I’m at my wits’ end. I can’t take this anymore. I’m not gonna make it. I can’t shut off these feelings.
Despair. Failure. Alone. So alone.
The taste of tears falling, the metallic scent of something…the sun is going down soon. The clear blue sky would be beautiful on any other day, but on this day, it’s just haunting. Matches my mood. Why does everything around me lose all meaning when I am in this space? I am separate. Disconnected.
I go for a walk. It’s a cold day. I’m going nowhere, really, just anything to get out of here, away from it all. The irony is, I take it all with me. Can’t shake these thoughts, can’t change these feelings. Move. Walking is moving, maybe movement will help.
The long walk doesn’t help. More of the same. It’s getting worse. A child of about 8 years old is approaching, riding a bike. The sun is making highlights dance on the auburn hair, the eyes bright, expectant & vulnerable. The child stops and says directly to me, “I’m not gonna make it.” I notice the red face, and frozen cold little hands and fingers. “You’ll make it,” I say. The child rides on, going in the opposite direction. I turn around to see the little body hunched over, cycling fast.
Did that just happen? The child had mirrored my thoughts with words. This would make an interesting movie or story line, but how did that just actually happen?
I feel lifted, ever so slightly. In giving words of strength to another, it lifted me somehow. Is that how this works? I am back now, and I open my journal to type in these thoughts. The awareness is staggering. I couldn’t possibly feel any differently while thinking those thoughts, but so weird that a complete stranger, a child, said out loud what I had been saying to myself.
I receive an uplifting text from a friend, and then I look up just in time to see the last light of day, the auburn orange sun on the horizon. It is staggeringly beautiful. Thank you, child. Thank you, friend.
“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.”